Renner on the Radio: Absurdly Abridged Christmas Classics

Every once in a while, I hop on the radio to do something weird with Nick over at To a Certain Degree on WPRK in Orlando. This time, I tackled Christmas stories in "Absurdly Abridged Christmas Classics."

Absurdly Abridged Christmas Classics: Audio

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Absurdly Abridged Christmas Classics

Are you stressed this holiday season? Don’t have the time to read all the important Christmas stories? Don’t fret, chums. I’m here to help you out. With our seven absurdly abridged Christmas classics, you can learn everything you need to know in under three minutes.

One: A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens:

Infamous miser trips balls, buys a goose and crashes an employee’s Christmas dinner.

Nick: Wait. That’s not—
Me: Shhh. Nick….

Two: Speaking of mid-stage capitalism, next we have “The Gift of the Magi” by O. Henry:
Two lovers face existential dread from the impending holiday. Super relatable. But instead of having a conversation, they turn to consumerism. Irony ensues.

Nick: I suppose that was closer.
Me: Nick, I’m recording!

Three: How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Doctor Seuss.
Local hermit robs unsuspecting town blind. He experiences a cardiac event, but his premiums are too high, so he gives everything back, and the bamboozled townsfolk welcome him as a hero.

Nick: No…

Four: “The Elves and the Shoemaker” by the Brothers Grimm:
Okay, so there’s this guy who makes shoes. But then he stops making them and outsources his business to tiny, unpaid factory workers who are forced to labor odd hours at an undisclosed location. How seasonal!

Nick: Have you even read these?
Me: Of course I have.

Five: The Nutcracker by  E. T. A. Hoffmann.
A little girl is kidnapped by an actual rat king. An actual RAT KING, Nick. This one’s like Les Miserables meets HP Lovecraft. Not recommended for children.

Nick: Just stop.
Me: I’m almost done!

Six: Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer — Radioactive deer saves Christmas!

Nick: Seriously.

Last one, I swear! The Biblical Christmas Story: Xenophobic Galileans refuse to welcome immigrants, even a certain pregnant mother you may have heard of. She has to give birth in a friggin’ barn, and if that’s not enough to ruin her day, here come the drummers.

If welcoming immigrants is that hard for you, stick to the awkwardly abridged version of Christmas, and happy Festivus to the rest of us. ◆

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